Yeah, so I’m…

We’re back for another installment of TMI Thursday, and this one’s entitled…

Built to Spill

We didn’t really know eachother that well in the grand scheme of things. We hadn’t even been dating that long, but one day, with the family out of town, she came over and I was going to get laid for the very first time.

My mind was racing. How was I going to apply all the things I had learned from talking to the guys, porn, and Kindergarten Cop? I didn’t want to seem like I knew too much, of course, because with this wealth of knowledge at my disposal I was sure to impress. I stopped worrying about it and we got down to it. Condom on, I came not once, not twice, but three times, at which point I determined that I’d sent all the little soldiers I could on their death march to the reservoir tip of doom. Because I was told that I was supposed to, even though porn taught me differently, we cuddled, but only for a little while before realizing that we were going to be late for the football game. Both due to rushing and not knowing any better, I pulled out quickly, inadvertently leaving the condom behind. I looked down, realized it wasn’t where it was supposed to be, and then looked at her. It seems my aforementioned soldiers were making a run for it, and seeping out of the condom. Her little vertical smile looked like someone who tried to drink a glass of milk with their mouth closed. Slightly concerned, I said the two words that any sensible person would in that situation, destined not to freak out the girl lying in their bed.

“Uh oh.”

Whoops. Maybe those weren’t the words I should’ve used. She paused before asking a hesitant “what?” I told her what happened and I pulled the condom out gingerly. She proceeded to the bathroom and washed herself off. We got dressed and went to meet my friends at the game.

Early on, she got up to go to the concession stand. As she got out of earshot, one of my friends sitting behind me leaned over my shoulder and asked “you guys just had sex, didn’t you?” and I turned and looked at him without saying a word. “I could tell” he said. I’m still not sure how.