TMI Thursday: Coitus Interruptus

I took an inadvertent break from TMI Thursday last week, posting without recalling that it was Thursday, so I filed this one away for this week.

Sex: Interrupted

Anyone who’s lived at home, as in with their parent(s), during a time of sexual activity knows that you really only have two options when you want to do the horizontal hula:

1) Wait until you know either one or the other’s parents are going to be gone and go to the appropriate house

2) Be really, really quiet

Most of the time it was all about option one. Besides, I had this big clunky headboard that no amount of pillows between it and the wall would silence. If I did want to go with option 2, on the rare occasion that it was irresistible, I had a pretty sweet basement setup, with loud enough stairs that I could usually hear people coming down, and I had moved my bedroom into what was my father’s office when he lived there, which was both spacey and securable by a lockable set of double doors. So basically if I heard someone coming down the stairs, chances were that they were coming to knock on my door, so if there was anything going on not for family consumption I had a little time to make it look otherwise before they got to my door. One day, with the girlfriend over, we opted to throw caution in the wind and opt to try option 2.

Option 2 wasn’t initially the plan. On this day I had picked her up and brought her over, knowing that the family was not home. We settled in downstairs watching TV, but that was only something that was done as a means of making ourselves feel like we weren’t really just there for the fucking, so we soon moved to my room and the bed. Just as we were midway through the foreplay, I heard footsteps upstairs. We both stopped and looked at eachother for a brief moment before mutually shrugging and deciding to continue quietly. Foreplay wrapped up, followed by the ceremonial reach for the condom box drawer. I had suited up and was just about to pull into Penetration Station, when I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Wide-eyed, I jumped out of bed, instructed the g/f to pull on a shirt and pretend she was sleeping under the covers. I frantically threw on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt, tucked my rubber-wearing wood under the waistband, turned off the lights, and waited for the knock at the door. If you stood just outside the plane of my doorway, you couldn’t see my bed because it was in the corner directly to the right, so my plan was to not let whomever it was come inside initially, and if they did, thus seeing my girlfriend, I would say that we’d been sleeping because she wasn’t feeling well.

When the knock came, it was my younger sister. She took a look inside and I fed her my sleeping story. She apologized for waking us, and said that I was needed to unload something from the car. I said okay, and went upstairs. If you’ve ever tried to do anything physical while limp and wearing a condom, it’s a strange feeling to say the least. I duly unloaded the car, and excused myself to go back downstairs. I slid back into bed, condom still on, and if you have to ask how this story ends, you don’t deserve to know.

TMI Thursday - Coitus Interruptus

12 Responses

  1. How old was your sister and could she not at some point say, “Er, you can come upstairs when you’re ready?” Jeez.

    Also: why isn’t your RSS feed full?

    There are 6 years between us, so she was 13 or 14 at the time. I’m not sure how much she knew, but it was a pretty convincing scene I think.

    My feed isn’t full because there are certain people that I think/know read that I like to keep tabs on. If they can read from my feed then I can’t tell if/when they’re reading, but when they come to the blog I can. If they want to read the whole thing, they have only one choice.

  2. LOL…That’s not TOO bad. At least it wasn’t someone older who knew exactly what was going on…like a college roommate. *oops*

    I dunno, I’m a pretty convincing actor.

  3. Women will never ever know the creepy feeling of wearing a condom whilst flaccid. It’s a demoralizing experience.

    It is! Even when the reason is legit!

  4. My boyfriend and I (when I was 19 and he was 17) used to do it my parents’ downstairs bathroom when my parents were asleep. Not easy. And there were a couple close calls…you can’t really lie about what you’re doing when you’re locked in the bathroom with the lights off.

    Yeah, I guess just saying it was dark so you didn’t know the other person was in there. Then again, crazy things happen in dark bathrooms. Ever seen Clerks?

  5. I used to try and make my boyfriend have sex with me when we were visiting his mother. He was too nervous. I thought it was hilarious. I only succeeded the night that he slept out in the heated garage because the WHOLE FAMILY WAS THERE. I win.

    Forbidden sex is a rush, but I’d much rather experience the rush with the risk that some random person might find us, not my family.

  6. One word: GRANDPARENTS.

    Officially trumped.

    Sigh. Thanks for that.

  7. Way back.. when pledging a frat was the thing to do we were subject to post party PT sessions. Raincoat on I was about to make a plus size mistake when anoither pledge busted into my room saw the fattie laughed and shamed me into getting ddressed and going to the house. Giggly and stumbly, forgetting I was strapped, we sprinted the hill and did team push ups. I’m amazed it stayed on and it felt queer. While we were lined up I threw the slimey thing at brother dickface who called us there.

    I didn’t wear a condom again till Jr. year

    Did you throw it, or did you snap it at him like a rubber band?

  8. You have the greatest lines in your blogs…”done as a means of making ourselves feel like we weren’t really just there for the fucking”

    I love the pretense. Your romanticism (is that a word?) melts the cold shackles of my frozen heart.

    Honey, that pretense was necessary. You have no idea.

  9. Yep roughly a million times. I’m pretty sure there wasn’t an excuse in the world that my mom would’ve bought. His parents, on the other hand, were either really unaware or just didn’t want to know. We were together for a year when they found a condom and were just shocked.

  10. I think you’re my new blog crush. : P

  11. “tucked my rubber-wearing wood under the waistband.”

    Dude, I have totally been there and it sucks. Had to help bring the groceries in one time for my mom. Not cool.

  12. Is it immature for a 27 year old woman to still catch a case of the giggles when the word “flaccid” is mentioned?

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